Will You Pee My Valentine

WeeklyDig : > Emily Pepper: "Valentine's Day is coming, and what says "I love you" better than a hearty blast of urine to the face?

Urine has a fascinating history. Romans bleached their clothes with it; Aztecs cleaned their wounds with it; and Siberian Koryaks ate hallucinogenic mushrooms and then let other people drink their pee to get in on the trip (reindeer would also show up and lap up spilled hallucinogenic urine.) Alchemists tried to turn it into gold for ages, as the color made them think there must be some kind of link between the two; they got phosphorus and urea, but nothing coinable. Urine as currency didn't happen. But urine as sexual currency is a different story altogether.

Hoping to gauge just how valued a sexual currency pee is in staid Boston, I hit the streets last week to ask around.

As it turns out, shockingly, my randomized sample suggested that most Bostonians stopped in the street in the middle of the day have no interest in discussing watersports. Hamilton, a very chill 33-year-old video store clerk, told me, "I think it's a fairly sick practice myself" and added, "I'm from New England" as a possible disclaimer. A few others were more open-minded. David, who I caught in Cambridge, argued, "A little yellow is always appropriate"; but of all the folks I accosted, he was the only one who didn't start giggling at my first mention of the topic. All in all, it doesn't seem to be something that we as a city are very comfortable talking about.

Why piss on your partner? Who said this is a good idea? Well, it's not for everyone, but for some, it provides a level of intimacy you don’t get through more conventional sex acts. Pissers claim that if you love someone, you should love every part of them, including the parts they normally flush. Urinating in front of a partner can be extremely liberating and make for a new kind of closeness. And on the physical tip, watersports can create pleasure either by pressure (think peeing hard on someone's cock or clit) or by heat (nice warm bath … kind of).

For girls, there can be an additional bonus to letting it loose in the bedroom. Female ejaculation frequently feels like an urge to piss brought on and intensified by g-spot stimulation. If you get comfortable with this sensation and let your body respond to it, you’re one step closer to squirting girlie-cum halfway across the room.

A good number of people out there will tell you this sort of thing is dirty, but that’s a misconception, considering urine is sterile when it comes out of your body. If you clean up the way you would any spilled bodily fluid, pissing on someone is actually a fairly clean affair. Of course, like any exchange of fluids, there’s a risk of picking up something nasty, the chances of which really fly when you take a mouthful, as opposed to a faceful. As with any intense fluid sharing, it’s best practiced by partners in a monogamous relationship, or by the rare gem of a person who can present a doctor's note on demand—who, now that I mention it, probably shouldn’t be trusted to begin with.

Watersports aren’t something everyone is comfortable with, or even interested in—especially around here, if my highly unscientific survey can be trusted. But if you're curious, there's nothing wrong with giving it a go. Make sure you've got a Valentine who's ready and willing to avoid any potentially awkward situations, and, obviously, drink lots of fluids in advance—though pissing on someone after drinking a barrelful of coffee might not be for novices."