Dave Barry: And you thought Florida's local news could get squirrelly

Tallahassee Democrat | 11/02/2003 | Dave Barry: And you thought Florida's local news could get squirrelly: "Speaking of news stories about growing things: Alert reader Dianne Smith sent in an article from the July 23 issue of the Sandersville (Ga.) Progress. On the front page is the following headline: "Local woman sues doctor after twig grows on leg." I didn't bother to read the article.

Just kidding! I read the article with far more interest than I have ever had in any story whose headline contained the words "Federal Reserve Board." The story concerns a Sandersville woman who was treated by an emergency-room doctor for a cut she received on her thigh when "she fell into some boxwood shrubbery in her yard." The story states that nine months later, the woman went to another doctor, and - I am not making this quote up - "he noticed a stem had surfaced on her leg with five thriving green leaves." The doctor "concluded the stem was alive and feasting" on the woman's leg.

Needless to say, the woman is suing for pain and suffering, plus medical expenses, which presumably include pruning. But this story raises some troubling questions: -What if the second doctor had not noticed the stem? Would it have continued thriving, ultimately becoming a full-blown boxwood shrub on the woman's thigh, causing her no end of embarrassment in Dancercize class?

Isn't it just a tad alarming that a boxwood shrubbery is capable of "feasting" on a human thigh? What if word of this capability gets around the boxwood community? What if more shrubs - including shrubs that are part of large, powerful, organized hedges - develop a taste for human flesh? It could be very bad:

Tom Brokaw: In our top story tonight, investigators remain baffled by the rash of mysterious disappearances involving grounds- keepers.

Investigator: It's the weirdest thing. Their hedge trimmers are lying on the ground, sometimes still running, but there's no sign of their bodies. Also there's a strange burping noise coming from somewhere.

Yes, it's a troubling story, and I have yet to see one word about it in the so-called major news media. They're too big for this kind of story. They won't report it until a boxwood twig grows on Ben Affleck or J-Lo. Speaking of Siamese walnuts. "