Winter Olympics by Dave Barry

MiamiHerald.com | 02/12/2006 | A global event for everybody . . . in some parts: "But during the commercials, some of us will also tune in to the Winter Olympics, a quadrennial competition that answers, once and for all, questions that burn in the brains of every true sports fan, such as: (1) Who will claim ''bragging rights'' as the world's best in the individual, sprint and team Nordic Combined? (2) What, exactly, IS the Nordic Combined? (3) Who the hell are the ''Nordics,'' anyway?

The games officially began Friday night with an unforgettable opening ceremony, climaxing with the lighting of the Olympic torch by Italy's greatest and most beloved ski champion, Wayne Gretzky. (Note to editor: Please check this; I nodded off during the second unforgettable hour.)

Sure enough, there she was in the background, holding a cellphone in one hand and waving wildly at the camera with the other. Michelle and I have often made fun of people who do this on the Today show, because they all look like pathetic, no-life geek losers.

''Do I look like a pathetic, no-life geek loser?'' she said.

''No!'' I said, because I am not a complete idiot.